Monday Mark Twain: I Have Your Best Interests at Heart

What the mischief do you suppose you want with a post-office at Baldwin’s Ranch? It would not do you any good. If any letters came there, you couldn’t read them, you know; and, besides, such letters as ought to pass through, with money in them, for other localities, would not be likely to get through, you must perceive at once; and that would make trouble for us all. No, don’t bother about a post-office in your camp. I have your best interests at heart, and feel that it would only be an ornamental folly. What you want is a nice jail, you know—a nice, substantial jail.

— “My Late Senatorial Secretaryship”

I would love to see a politician be this frank. But that’s not gonna happen.

How about this: we’ll do mail on top, jail on bottom?

Twelve Stories About Caesars

A feeling of regret has often come over me that I was not reporting in Rome when Caesar was killed–reporting on an evening paper, and the only one in the city, and getting at least twelve hours ahead of the morning-paper boys with this most magnificent “item” that ever fell to the lot of the craft.

—  Mark Twain, “The Killing of Julius Caesar”

I bet Julius Caesar would be pleased to hear that his assassination was the most magnificent news item ever. Makes kicking the bucket seem almost worth it!

Here are my favorite Caesar stories, one about each of the dudes in The Twelve Caesars:

Top Ten Tuesday: Books About Readers

It’s freebie week for Top 10 Tuesday — we get to pick any topic we like. Since I like to read, and I assume you like to read, I thought I’d make a list of ten books about people who like to read. So if you want to read where to read about readers, read on.

Monday Mark Twain: Searching for Raw Material

Two nonpareil columns had to be filled, and I was getting along. Presently, when things began to look dismal again, a desperado killed a man in a saloon and joy returned once more. I never was so glad over any mere trifle before in my life.

— Roughing It

Ah, the joy of finding inspiration — thank you, murderer!

Monday Mark Twain: Monday Morning

Monday morning found Tom Sawyer miserable. Monday morning always found him so — because it began another week’s slow suffering in school. He generally began that day with wishing he had had no intervening holiday, it made the going into captivity and fetters again so much more odious.

— The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Tom Sawyer: the Garfield of boys.

Monday Mark Twain: Sloppy Twaddle

The following is a fair example of the questions asked, and also of the sloppy twaddle in the way of answers furnished by Manchester under the pretense that it came from the specter. If this man is not the paltriest fraud that lives, I owe him an apology:

Monday Mark Twain: Spring Cleaning

We visited the old St. Louis Hotel, now occupied by municipal offices. There is nothing strikingly remarkable about it but one can say of it as of the Academy of Music in New York, that if a broom or a shovel has ever been used in it there is no circumstantial evidence to back up the fact. It is curious that cabbages and hay and things do not grow in the Academy of Music.

— Life on the Mississippi

Spring cleaning time! I’ve got some clutter in my apartment, but no cabbages (yet).

Monday Mark Twain: Different Kinds of An Ass

I am one and I have one.

It took five minutes for the entire preposterousness of the thing to filter into Mr. Bixby’s system, and then I judge it filled him nearly up to the chin; because he paid me a compliment — and not much of a one either. He said:

“Well, taking you by and large, you do seem to be more different kinds of an ass than any creature I ever saw before.”

– Life on the Mississippi

I was four different kinds of an ass yesterday. I’ll try to get down to three today.

Monday Mark Twain: More Mustaches!

Moustacheville by Tang Yau Hoong. Yes, T-shirts and prints are available.

APRIL 19. This morning, struck into the region of full goatees–sometimes accompanied by a mustache, but only occasionally. It was odd to come upon this thick crop of an obsolete and uncomely fashion; it was like running suddenly across a forgotten acquaintance whom you had supposed dead for a generation.

— Life on the Mississippi

These days, a goatee without a mustache may be more common than a mustache without a goatee. Poor Mark. He sports one of the great literary mustaches himself (along with Gustave Flaubert, William Faulkner, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, and James Joyce, his compatriots in cookie dusting). He just wants his fellow men to know the same joy. Whether a soup strainer, a lady tickler, a flavor saver, or a crumb catcher, a nice set of mustachios is hard to beat.

UPDATE: A picture of Dr. Doofenshmirtz’s Mustache-inator from the Phineas and Ferb wiki was removed from an earlier version of this post.

Three Artworks in Unconventional Media

When an artist can work in unconventional media and produce something both beautiful and fresh, it can be even more impressive than when someone sticks to paint and paper. Here are three examples of amazing art made by working with novel materials.

‘I declare it’s marked out just like a large chessboard!’ Alice said.
— Lewis Carroll